


Dreams, Despair, and Other Matters

by AceArtNerd



Category: Arthurian Mythology
Genre: I am so sorry that you all have to see what I spent a day writing, I did use the Welsh spellings of the names so it might sound a bit weird, M/M, but it does make me feel good that I wrote 2k words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 14:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17747849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceArtNerd/pseuds/AceArtNerd
Summary: Bedivere and Kay's relationship as it progresses from friendship into...something more.





	Dreams, Despair, and Other Matters

**Author's Note:**

> I literally spent two hours writing this and it wasn't beta'd, but I just have so many feelings about Bedivere, and Kay, and them being friends, so this happened. Enjoy!

It was dark. That was what he first noticed, in this odd dream. Then there was the feeling of suffocating, of falling, falling, falling...With a start, he woke up in a cold sweat, panting. God, that dream again..it was happening every night now.

Shakily getting out of bed, the person (he) moved over to the closest window before biting back a curse and grabbing a coat. It was colder than he expected it to be, and with a mutter about the snow and dreams that didn’t make sense he stepped outside. 

The winter chill was nothing he wasn’t used to, but that in combination with his dreams left him shaking on the balcony. But he was lost in thought enough to where he didn’t notice the other person sneaking up on him. 

“Oi, you’re going to freeze out here in just that.” Jumping a bit, he turned to his companion to see the other...still in his armor. Or at least, in the clothing the other wore under his armor. It had to be either late at night or early in the morning, so why the other was there was beyond him. 

“I’ll be fine.” 

“I doubt that very much. Remember, you don’t have the powers the rest of us do-” 

“I know that already Cei. You don’t have to remind me.” Biting back a much more scathing remark, he started making his way back inside. God, getting reminded on a near daily basis that he was the weakest was bad enough as it was. 

“Bedivere-” 

“I said I was fine.” Bedivere- or rather, Bedwyr if we’re going Welsh names- stomped back in the castle and into his room. Cei knew something was off- Bedwyr never let his emotions get the best of him. The redhead followed his companion into his room, and stood in the doorway. It wasn’t how he’d been expecting it to be..but that was okay.

“You don’t have to hide from me.” 

“I’m not-” Now with his back turned to Cei, Bedwyr was more focused on the running thoughts in his head- and of his false claim to importance. More importantly, that he was one always left behind…

“Need I remind of you of what happened not even a week ago? You’re bottling up your emotions again Bedivere, and the last time that happened…” Cei ran over the scar on his face as he trailed off. It hadn’t ended well at all. 

“I said-” The first tears started falling and Bedwyr’s entire body shook. Cei took a step in and froze. The sight of Bedwyr like this was just so...not was he was used to. It seemed like nothing bothered the other at all, but knowing this..seeing this.. 

“I am told on a near daily basis that I will never be as strong as you.” Bedwyr sat up and wiped his eyes. Losing his arm just four months after being knighted at the youngest possible age he could have been was rough. Constantly being compared to the other knights was rough. Everything was more difficult than it should have been, just because of a single mistake. At least Arthur hadn’t pitied him as much as the others…

“Everything I do is compared to the rest of you. No matter how hard I try, I will never be the knight I could have been.” 

“You act like being a hero isn’t something one can actually control.” 

“It’s not! You never had control of your own powers, just as Galahad is stuck living a destiny he had no idea about for sixteen years!” 

“Bedivere.” Now Cei fully stepped in the room and went to hug the other knight, who was frozen in shock. Cei never hugged anyone- but then again, they’d always been the other’s exception for what was normal and what wasn’t. 

“I...I know this isn’t helpful coming from me, but it’s okay to feel upset about everything.” With that having been said, Bedwyr finally- finally- let everything out. It was a solid fifteen minutes of just Bedwyr blubbering and Cei nodding along. Finally they ended up back outside, with Bedwyr’s eyes puffy and face red and Cei looking more relaxed than usual. 

“Thank you for listening to me be an absolute idiot.” 

“No problem. Bedsides, someone has to since you utterly refuse to- what was it.. Let your feelings show.” Cei went and did a very poor imitation of Bedwyr’s accent and the other laughed. 

“Of course. It’s not you ever said that no one would ever understand me. No sir.” Bedwyr did an imitation in kind, and the marshal and senechal continued speaking until the sun rose.  


That day had been rightfully ignored by both of them for a solid few months now, but then Sir Lucan- the butler of Camelot and Bedwyr’s elder half-brother from their mother- had to head back to Wales. He wanted Bedwyr and Cei to come with him- “Introduce everyone to Cei now rather than later” he’d said, but Bedwyr had declined the request with a bright red face. 

“Why exactly did you decline Lucan’s offer? He didn’t say anything bad about me, did he?” 

“No Cei, he didn’t. We both know that’s my job, not his.” It had been about twenty minutes since Lucan left, and Bedwyr was still flustered so Cei knew something was up.”Besides, he doesn’t exactly work with you like I do, so why he wanted you to go is beyond me.” 

Bedwyr’s feelings on the matter of Cei- and his feelings about Cei- weren’t exactly unknown. It was obvious enough that people commented on it in front of him for crying out loud. Even Guinevere had noticed- and when your king’s lady, and more importantly, the older brother of the guy you might like’s wife notices- it’s bound to end badly. In the week after Lucan left Bedwyr found himself with much more work than usual. So much so that Cei had to visit him rather than it being the other way around. 

“Bedivere, I’m starting to think you’re avoiding m- oh.” The piles of paperwork were everywhere around the marshal’s office, and the redhead stepped in and helped himself to looking at some of it- and then cringed and looked away. Lucan was the one who handled that paperwork the best, and since he was gone, it fell to Bedwyr. 

“I’m busy Cei, what do you want.” There were bags under Bedwyr’s eyes, and there were letters hidden under the desk penned by both Bedwyr and Lucan. Lucan’s letter had arrived the day previous, stating that he wouldn’t return to Camelot for some while because of an issue with his father, thus leaving Bedwyr way more stressed. 

“Well damn. I was just checking up on you is all. Four days you haven’t left the castle- Lancelot had to take over your training block.” With a groan, Bedwyr rested his head on his desk. 

“Lucan has to stay in Wales because of his father. He wants Lucan to marry, and his health is declining.” 

“Ah. At least take a small break- get some food and actual sleep, and you can write back in the morning.” 

“What? It’s only- ...Oh.” 

“You haven’t looked outside all day, have you.” 

“Gee, how can you tell.” The delivery was deadpan, and didn’t ever cease to make Cei laugh. Patting Bedwyr on the back, the senechal saw the other out of the room before looking into the compartments of the desk the other had been sitting at. Bedwyr never normally hid this much, even if Lucan was gone, so there had to be a reason. 

And he found it- a series of letters penned by Bedwyr himself, and the last couple from Lucan. Cei read Lucan’s letters first, and they all mentioned telling someone how you felt. Odd. Then he sat at the desk and looked closer at Bedwyr’s letters. They were all addressed ambiguously, like they weren’t ever meant to be sent… 

Cei had spent forty minutes just reading the letters Bedwyr never sent, and finally came upon the last one. It looked the most recent of the bunch, and he expected to feel the same about this as he had all the others- he didn’t expect to go red, and twice over. 

“Cei? What are you still doing here?” Jumping a bit at being caught, the senechal just kind of shrugged. “Are those- are those the letters I had hidden from you?” 

“From me?” They were all relatively sappy, and absolutely filled with emotion that the marshal normally kept hidden. Considering they were addressed ambiguously, Cei had thought that the girl these were for had to be lucky, but the underlying jealousy hadn’t made sense. 

“...Oh no. If you ripped any of them-” 

“I didn’t. Besides, I haven’t read this one yet.” 

“Don’t read it.” 

“Why? I’ve read all the other ones-” 

“Just listen to me for once Cei. Don’t read that letter.” 

“Try me.” With that, the senechal opened the letter from its envelope and went red. This was...not what he’d been expecting, even more than the others. It really was Bedwyr shining through his writing. It was also a confession with a billion metaphors until the last line. It read “Cei...my feelings haven’t made much sense until you. I hope one day I can say that I love you out loud one day.”

“I...I understand if you don’t feel the same. I just- wrote these to get whatever was on my mind off of it.” Motioning sadly, the marshal sat down with his head in his hands. 

“Bedivere..why on earth would I not feel the same?” 

“Because you’re you. You don’t care what other people think about you, who would this be any different?” 

“Because it’s you. Bedivere, I don’t know if you realize that you’re the one person I’ve always been worried about.” 

With a bitter laugh, the marshal stood up. “So what you’re saying is-”

“Yes. I was expecting for you not to feel the same.” 

“...Well we’re just a couple of idiots who call ourselves knights, aren’t we.” The two laughed and got up. Bedwyr remembered the rings- yes, there were rings in the letter- and noticed that Cei had already put his on. With a smile, he grabbed the other one and simply tucked it in his pocket. For now, he was content. 

And a few months later, it all went to hell. 

“What do you mean you have to leave?!” 

“My health is worsening Cei. If anything happens to me, or if it’s contagious, I don’t want to affect anyone in the castle.” Bedwyr knew exactly what was going on and didn’t want Cei to know..and leave..and have Lucan essentially running the castle by himself. But of course Cei insisted on coming along, and Bedwyr relented. “Fine. But you can’t chicken out, now that you’re coming with me.” 

“Why would I chicken out? It’s you. We do most everything together, don’t we?” With a shake of the head a smile, Bedwyr finished packing and prayed that Cei wouldn’t notice anything off. He noticed. 

It was a decently long trip back to Wales- and it felt like torture for Bedwyr. Seeing those family members who never took the chance to meet her after she was born...it was going to be rough. Especially since whatever was going on had to be figured out. 

The appointment with the doctor was more stressful than it should have been. None of them listened, and used the wrong name..at least the doctor they finally saw actually addressed the the marshal correctly. 

“Bedwyr...would you like me to tell you so he understands?” 

‘I’ll understand perfectly fine either way.’ It was quick, and there was a bit of bark to it. 

“Cei, calm down. I’ll be fine. This’ll clear...up…” 

“Bedivere?” 

“...Oh no. No. No no no no no, this isn’t- this is not happening.” 

“...Oh.” Now Cei understood. And honestly, when Bedwyr had actually told him what his main problem was- being born wrong- he had actually understood. This happening hadn’t been in the books for another couple of years though. 

“Now, you need to be careful Bedwyr. Anything like those battles I’ve been hearing about, and I’ll make sure this one keeps you down all day. Alright?” 

“Okay. Thank you.” The two knights left, one more noticeably shaken up than the other. Making their way back to the house where they were staying, Bedwyr was debating talking- but Cei had beaten him to it. 

“I know you’re anxious about this.” 

“Of course I am. This is unexpected, even for us.” 

“Just...Just let me talk. You can get some rest, and we’ll explain the situation to him when we get back.” 

“Okay. We can..we can do that.” This entire week had been a trip- it would be nice to sleep without too much worry…

 

Someone awoke with a start. Breathing heavy, the feeling of falling… This alerted the person sleeping next to them. With a smile, the one who woke up returned to bed, letting the snow fall in peace. Now they had every chance to finally get things right.


End file.
